August 21, 2008

No Substitutions

It's been 11 days since my crash and I've tried pretty hard to keep my lacerated, bruised chin up throughout it all. I took a full week to rest, followed up with the orthopedist, changed hundreds of bandages, ate healthy, slept a lot and focused on the positives. Yet I don't feel as good as I wish I could. The whole experience has been a physical and emotional roller coaster that in and of itself is exhausting. I'll be feeling better and then realize I can't do simple things like get my shirt on or put my hair in a ponytail. It's actually amazing how many things are now a huge undertaking for me. I used to put my energy into training and now I put it into just getting by.

I took a walk tonight to clear my head and again found myself on the Hudson River, watching everyone out for their evening run. It was then that I realized why I don't feel better. I miss training. I miss having a goal and a purpose. I miss the energy it gave me and the sense of accomplishment. I miss everything about it. And it's clear there are no substitutions. I was planning to do the elliptical tonight and I couldn't find the motivation. It's not the same even though it's intended to get me back on track more quickly.

But since I can't train, I'm going to need to re-set my goals and priorities. I need to find a way to motivate myself within my limitations. I know I said a few days ago that I wasn't focusing on limitations, but I have to at least acknowledge I have them.

I reached an all time low in my injury sadness tonight. I don't want to dwell on it, but I think it's important that I acknowledge just how much this accident has affected me. It's hard to keep hearing, "cheer up" or "it could be worse" when I really just want it to be ok that I'm sad, frustrated and disappointed. Yes, I'm thankful it wasn't worse and I'm thankful I will heal quickly and look back on this in months as a distant memory, but for right now, today, it's hard. And until I can get some of it back, it will continue to be hard.

I paid a visit to my local bar because I heard some good friends were there and I knew it was just what I needed. It was nice to see friendly faces and forget about my arm and triathlons for awhile. I just need to carry that over to the rest of my life and everything will be fine.

1 comment:

  1. Cheer up. It could be worse.

    Oh DON'T want to hear that??? ;-)

    You're totally right. I know the feeling. It sucks. There's a huge void in your life right. All this nonsense that we do with running and tri's and cycling and everything is really something more than nonsense. It is real. And when it's taken away, we suffer. Your mind is telling you that you'll heal, and you'll be back and you'll do the Ironman and all that fun stuff, but emotionally, it just plain sucks.

    All I can say is hang in there. Hope things start getting better.



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